Denial
by ladyxkodomo
Summary: They love each other, and they know it, but it takes forever to actually admit it. AxS, I'm new at Evangelion, so don't kill me! And now...DO YOU DARE I SAY IT...? YES....2ND CHAPTER UP! YEAH! YOU HEARD ME! SECONDCHAPUP! Psssh...oh yeah!
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Whew. I JUST got into this whole Evangelion thing and already I am a huge AxS fan!!! But hey. If there are errors in this story pertaining to the whole Eva thing, it is because I am so poorly educated in that case. I'm _trying _to learn AS MUCH AS I CAN about NERV, Seele, the Evas, the Angels, The Magi, Lillith, Adam, the Dead Sea Scrolls, yada, yada, yada. If ANYONE knows where I can get a good, chock-full-of-good-info site or book about Evangelion, TELL ME!!!! YOU MUST!!!! Pah.   
Disclaimer: I _do not own _Neon Genesis Evangelion or any part of it. Unless you wanna make me a pilot. 

Denial   


"I love you," He said, nuzzling into the folds of her skin. "I love you..."   
She arched her neck and closed her eyes. If only he'd told her sooner. If only he'd told her when she needed to hear those words, wanted to, desperately needed to hear them feeding off her heart...   
She moaned. She'd never felt like this before. Sensual, and sweet, and full of hotness. Someone had enveloped her in a sweet perfumed haven of joy, she thought to herself as he trailed kisses down her ribs, making her shudder, making her cry out his name...   
"You like my lederhosen, yah?"   
She opened her eyes with a jolt. She looked around her--no Shinji, no tenderness, no one trailing kisses of desire down her body. She groaned and buried her tear-stained face in the pillow. Damn those stupid dreams. Damn Shinji. Damn her mother!   
Damn yourself, she thought.   
She turned towards the stupid radio echoing Dutch (or is it Deutsch, she thought) phrases into her ear. She could've sworn she'd left it to some other station, not this foreign language crap...she got up, scratched her stomach, her head, her neck, and yawned. Every night those dreams penetrated into what she really wanted.   
But she never, ever, let it show...   
She stumbled into the bathroom and ripped the cap off her toothpaste. Aimlessly, she squirted about a pound of the green minty stuff on her toothbrush and shoved the thing in her mouth, moving mechanically, as if someone were controlling her. She spit and gargled with who-knows-what's-in-it tap water and ran a comb through her hair, then walked with bare feet into the kitchen. She was still in that damned piece of fabric the store called a nightgown, but hey. Too tired.   
"Ne, _baaaaka,_" She yawned, sitting down at the kitchen table, shoving aside 6 empty cans of beer. "What's for breakfast?"   
Only silence greeted her demanding request. This was strange. Usually this was answered with a "Nothin'" or a "Fish and rice" or "Mochi" or "Ummm" or "Go fix it yourself". Never silence.   
She looked up. The kitchen light was on and the damned penguin was drinking a can of beer and eating rice. She scowled.   
"Hey you tuxedo thing, where'd you get the rice?" She called. "Where's Shinji?"   
Pen-Pen looked up at her and "wak"ed. He jumped off the counter and ran into his own little fridge. She glowered.   
"No one is any help around this place," She decided, and got up and ventured into the hallway again. "Hmmm. Wonder where the two are..."   
She peeked into Misato's room. _Ew. _Naked Misato and someone else lying next to her...hey. Who was that? Mr. Kaji? A look of bewilderment passed over her face. Ugh.....what had they been doing? She didn't want to know.   
She tiptoed next to Shinji's room. Opening the door a crack, she could see he was still sleeping. NOT RIGHT, she thought, raising her eyebrows. That guy was always up early, and if not that, always before her, anyway. Trying to keep a low down, she opened the door and walked in slyly.   
She had never been in his room. It smelled of LCL and detergent, and well, _him_. She always thought rooms smelled something different. Misato's room smelled like detergent and beer. And her room smelled like very faint LCL, and perfume, and detergent. His room smelled like him. She couldn't describe that smell but it always seemed to either welcome her or drive her away.   
She walked towards the sleeping body on the bed and when she got to the side of her bed, she strongly debated whether she should get in or not. _I mean, if I do..._she thought, her eyebrows screwing up. _It would seem I _wanted _him. But if I just stand here it would seem I wanted to watch to see if he wasn't dead or something..._   
With a look of pained love and tear stains, she kneeled next to the empty spot next to him. She admired the way his legs were sprawled at the end of the bed; loved the way his black hair was all messed up and hardcore looking but when he combed it he looked like a dork. She rested her chin on the edge of the bed and closed her eyes and imagined she was lying next to him, as close as she possibly could, her arms wrapped around him, taking in his scent... 

------------------------------------------- 

A few hours later he woke up. The sun was starting to irritate his eyes. The orange and red and yellow was seeping in through his eyelids and out of frustration he opened his eyes. It felt warm. And nice. That was strange...it was fall and the heaters currently weren't working. Did Misato get them fixed? He thought. Then he smelled something different.   
Girl.   
He stiffened up and debated whether he should turn around. He looked down and saw another pair of legs crisscrossing over his. Panicking, he thought: Last night, I had 2 legs, and now I have 4?!? He was starting to feel uncomfortable in this spot. He was sweating and hot. But whatever was behind him felt welcoming and beautiful, sweet and deceiving, and he_wanted_to see what it was. So, bracing himself, he turned around and came face to face with the woman he had dreamed about so many times but refused to believe it was actually true.   
His eyes softened. Somehow, in the few hours she had crept into his room, she had come from the side of the bed to _on _the bed, and next to him. Her legs slightly intertwined with his. Some of her red hair overlapped the side of his body and one of her arms was clutching onto his neck, as if he were a security blanket or something. A different feeling washed over him but he couldn't place it. What was it...? He watched with tenderness her chest rising and falling with every breath she took and her slightly open mouth. He had an urge to connect with it. But...   
As gently as he could he turned around so he was face to face with the _real _angel. The arm under his neck twitched and he slowly pulled it out under him and tucked it by her side. She sighed in her sleep and snuggled closer to him. He closed his eyes. Part of him refused to believe he loved her, and part of him urged her to hold her in his arms and kiss her. He was fighting against the latter but starting to give in to the first. He loved her...? He loved her. It all made sense now. He had never....loved someone like this before. He hated how she called him _baka _and shoved him around like a servant. He hated the way she told him what to do and how to do it. But he _loved her._   
Deciding this was getting too complicated, he let go of his thoughts and let his instinct take over. He felt his arms wrap around the sleeping beauty, felt himself bury his head into the silkiness of her hair, felt himself pulling the blanket over them...it was all too much, maybe. He felt like crying.   
[The author thinks this is the most romantic thing she's ever written and wants to cry too, because she feels lonely and wishes she had a Shinji to hold onto...]   
The tenderness washed over them with a mixture of fatigue and they drifted off into sleep.... 

---------------------------------- 

"Aw, Kaji, look at that."   
"I'm looking, Misato."   
"Don't they look cute together?"   
"Beautiful."   
"Let's leave them be and see what they do when they wake up."   
"Yes, let's..." 

---------------------------------- 

Now the noon sun had drifted out of the clouds and was washing its glow over the two in love, intertwined but not doing what you'd normally think they were doing.   
Slowly, they opened their eyes. And looked at each other. And then Asuka noticed where she was, and Shinji noticed what position his instinct had put himself into, and even though they loved each other, they didn't want to show it, and they pulled apart.   
"What are you doing in my room!?!?"   
"What d'you think you were doing, with your arms around me, your pervert!!"   
"Who're you to speak, you were the one whose hand was holding my neck..."   
They stared at each other for awhile, both knowing that was what they really wanted but it would never work, maybe. Asuka stomped out of the room.   
"Misato, Shinji got horny and dragged me into his room!"   
"I did no such thing!"   
Misato giggled and looked at the two. "That wasn't the way it looked when I saw you two last night."   
Asuka nearly keeled over. "Ew!!! You mean he raped me?!?"   
Kaji twisted up his eyebrows. "No, but it seemed you two were very in l-"   
And he said the L word and the two screamed and started their protests. But they both knew they loved each other. It was just that damn word called denial. It was pretty powerful stuff. 

---------------------------   
End Note: Bwahahahha, done, one-shot, luvly. 


	2. Denial Rate: Hundreds

  


A/N: Okay! I lied! We're back in action! DENIAL IS NO LONGER A ONE-SHOT....LADYXKODOMO INC. has become benevolent and therefore put up the 2nd chapter!!! This is less WAFFy than the first but the next chapter will be slightly more sappish. I actually wrote this a long time ago but never put it up coz I didn't think it was good 'nuff. But....thanks to my pre-reader....devil-angel-asuka......SHE CONVINCED ME IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH!!!! So, to everyone who hated me coz Denial was a one-shot...prepare to be amazed. God, I think I overdosed the WAFF so much on the first one that if there was any more WAFF in here you'd all puke, doncha think? Aha....well...anyways.....read on.

Disclaimer: I own not the works of Gainax, which means I do not own _ Neon Genesis Evangelion/Shin Seiki Evangelion. _Sucks to be me. 

Denial   
Chaptre Deux   


After that the rest of the day they both avoided each other, Asuka keeping to one side and Shinji the other and Misato was in the middle wondering how hormonal the two had actually gotten.   
Asuka thought back to her dream and thought about it. It was just wishful thinking; she thought. Why would Shinji want to love me? I treat him like ass. I don't deserve his love. I would be surprised if he actually admitted that to me. Maybe I hadn't really felt his lips in my hair and his arms around me, she thought, quite scornfully. Maybe it was all that toothpaste poisoning. She knew she had used too much...   
Shinji kept stealing glances at Asuka and furrowing his brow wondering if he'd ever get a chance like last night again. He loved last night. It seemed years ago he had held a beautiful sleeping princess in his arms and kissed her hair and felt their hearts beating together in unison. It felt so long ago and yet it had only been hours. But when you realize you love someone, that moment seems so close....and too far away to reach again...   
Both of them sighed at the same exact time and stuck their elbows in the sauce. Misato raised an eyebrow and wondered if they were mentally challenged. They were sitting on opposite ends of the table and she could tell they were trying to keep their eyes off each other but it wasn't working: She saw Asuka's blue orbs traveling from her plate, slooowllly up to Shinji, then back down again if she saw the slightest movement in his face. She turned the other way and watched Shinji's eyes roll up as much as they could with his head bent, trying to get a good, long look at Asuka. But it never lasted more than a second.   
"So, you two," She inquired as chipper as she could, which was as chipper as a rat being devoured by a vulture, "Did you think last night was too hot?"   
At this, Shinji dropped his fork and paled. Asuka shot up and glared at Misato. Misato gulped. She had meant, "I fixed the heaters", but it came out, "Did you guys have a good _sleep?!?_" Hint hint?   
Asuka picked up her butter knife and clutched it in her hand. She scowled and thrust it inches from Misato's face.   
"Look, it wasn't what you thought it was. It wasn't as if I wanted to be in Shinji's bed. I must've sleep-walked or something! I don't know how I got into his bed but I never want to do it again!! If I sleep in the same bed as him, some of his _bakaness _might rub off on me! So stop jumping to insane conclusions!!" She screamed, pointing the knife like a dagger into her roomate's face. "I don't want to hear anything on this damn subject again!!"   
Shinji sighed. "Asuka, calm down."   
Asuka turned to him, her fiery hair glowing redder than ever before. "Shut up, _baka. _I don't want to wake up and see your face next to mine ever again," She growled, and then stomped out of the kitchen.   
Shinji got up and called after her. "Asuka."   
He heard the door slam and then her bedsprings creaking and then some loud curse in German.   
Sighing again, he sat down and buried his face in his hands. "Dammit, Misato.." He peered at her angrily through his fingers.   
She pretended to look astonished. "_What? _I didn't mean it that way. I _swear--_"   
But he got up from his chair anyway, threw his napkin down on the table, and walked into the hallway. Misato sighed.   
"Teenagers..." 

-------------------------- 

Asuka lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling, tears gathering at the corners of her captivating blue eyes. She blinked, trying to get rid of them, but that only sent two down her face, tickling her cheeks, as if to say, "How do you like it now?"   
She hated it. She hated every moment like this; yelling to Shinji, probably pissing him off. Sometimes she didn't get why she had to be so friggin mean. But she couldn't help it. If she tried _not _calling him baka, if she tried to refrain from bossing him around, if she tried to contain herself from yelling at him for every possible thing, what would she be in this household? A nothing. She was the Shinji-minder. Misato was the drunkette. Pen-Pen was the thing. Shinji was the _no_thing.   
But, she thought to herself as she flipped around on her stomach, but was he?   
No, she decided, he was not. He was most certainly nothing. Not to her, anyway. To her he was her guardian angel. To her, he was the highlight of her day. To her...he was the present under the Christmas tree. The one she had always wanted but never got. The one she would probably _never _get if she kept on acting like this. She wondered about last night--she truly didn't remember a thing about what she had done and didn't know how she ended up in Shinji's bed, close enough to smell him, close enough to kiss him. Her heart ached for his love, for any kind of love at all. Her mother never loved her. She never had a father. No one loved her.   
A few more tears trickled down her face and she wondered how it felt to be loved... 

--------------------------- 

In the hallway, Shinji retardedly walked on the white linoleum floor, wondering what Asuka was doing. He stopped at her door and tried to see inside, but it was locked. He looked under it, but all he saw were a few clothes. He pressed his ear up against the door and heard nothing.   
But he wouldn't give up.   
After all, part of loving someone is caring about them. Desperately, Shinji moved and squeezed his ear in the crack of the door. First, he heard muffled sighs, then Asuka's voice, quiet and weak, like a drizzle of baby shower pitting on the sidewalk--   
"I wonder how it feels to be loved?"   
This took him by surprise. He dislodged his ear from the side of the door and slumped against the wall, thinking. What did she mean by that? She was loved. By him. She was loved by him more than anything. He would give up his life for her if she was in danger, do what she wanted if it made her happy, put up with her annoyance, do anything not to make her cry--and here she was, wondering to herself what it was like to be loved.   
He imagined her usually glowing skin losing is luxury, her shining blue eyes slowly discoloring, her fiery red hair turning a dull orange. Love was dangerous but denial was worse. Last night there was no denial until the end. No words were needed then to express "I love you", he thought to himself. But what about now? Denial would only make Asuka ache, he decided.   
But if I tell her people love her, she would demand to know who, he thought in disgust. And then I'd have to lie. But she's like a lie detector, she'll know when it's not true, and then I've got to confess...   
He pounded his fist on the door forgetting the aching beauty was pondering inside. 

------------------------- 

Misato sat at the dinner table alone, wondering what in the hell was going on with those two. Before all _that _had happened, nothing was really wrong. Shinji was baka, Asuka was always PMSing, and she....she was just there telling them what to do. She intended to be Shinji's mother again--to nurture and care and protect him. But what had she owned up to? She messed things up. Misato sighed.   
_I'm the dense one, _she thought angrily.   
She wondered whether she should go into the hall and see what Shinji was doing. _No. Then that would seem I was nosy, _Misato thought again. _ X that. But it would also seem I was worried about him. Hmmm..._   
_Maybe I could just see how Asuka was doing. Oh, nevermind. Asuka never cooperates. She'll just yell at me again and that would get us nowhere...._   
A bang from the hallway startled her out of her thoughts.   
_What the hell....? What is that kid doing now?!?!_   
Grumbling, she ate some more and forgot about the mentally challenged in her home. 

----------------------- 

End Note: *smiles* Ended on quite a low note, didn' t it? Well, I didn't want you to wet your pants. What? You already have? Oh my....   
  
  
  
  



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